The scientific explanation for “anniversary reaction” is a common
and normal event, caused by a reaction in the amygdala where the initial
feelings of the trauma or loss are trigged by the anniversary, sometimes
outside of the consciousness of the individual.
The anniversary trigger can be different meaningful dates to the
grieving individual such as holidays, birthdays, and the anniversary of the
death of the loved one. Some people may experience an anniversary reaction when
they reach the age of the loved one who died. This happens most frequently to
those who had a parent die when they were children.
Even the most well-functioning person can become overwhelmed
and stopped in his/her tracks due to an anniversary reaction. Emotional memory is not something that can be
erased or forgotten. In fact, in her
article, Dr. Lamia (a clinical psychologist) noted that she had a client who
had experienced depression every June for 25 years after the death of her
12-year old child. For all those years
the woman had tried to rid herself of these feelings thinking there was
something wrong with her. Once Dr. Lamia
was able to let the woman know that this was a normal reaction the woman was
able to stay with her feelings and plan how she would honor the anniversary
without ignoring the reaction. All those
years of feeling there was something “wrong” with her!
Alright, that’s all the technical stuff about anniversary
reaction. Now to the reality. I have just experienced another anniversary
reaction. About two weeks ago I went
through the 7th anniversary of my son’s fatal plane crash. I really thought this year it was
different. I have been so busy with
school and my internship that I didn’t think I was experiencing any
extraordinary grief reactions and was feeling a little smug in my ability to “handle”
it all this time.
Then I began feeling very tired and found it difficult to
get motivated on my days off. I began to
think I was coming down with some virus.
Nope. One night while watching
television I was hit in the head by a wave of grief. It is such a total, physical and emotional
reaction that is hard to explain. It began
with the mental thought of my son being out of my life and how much I have lost
and also of all the life he has lost over the last seven years. Then it shook my entire body. I had to
re-visit that raw emotion of the realization that he was gone, not just away,
but gone. It didn’t last long but it was
frightening because it was so unexpected.
It helps to know that this is common among grievers. I also realized in the first year of grief
that I was not going to “get over” this loss and could only hope to move
through it. I look back over the last 7
years and think they were the longest and shortest years of my life. So much has happened, so much has changed—but
one thing has remained constant, my love and longing for my son. And that’s okay. It is my reality and so are the anniversary
reactions that come when I least expect them.
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