Elephants Never Forget and Neither Do Grieving Parents

An excellent book that explores life after the loss of an adult child is Our Walk With Elephants by Peggy Boon, Ph.D. and Bonnie Headington, Ph.D.  These authors have the distinction of not only being mental health professionals but also bereaved mothers.  One of their most salient points is the fact that bereaved parents continue to grieve over the years.  Once the acute grief is over there are reminders that happen daily, monthly, yearly, that awaken the pain of the loss. A reminder may be as simple as another child's college graduation, a wedding, or a birth.  All of these things will remind the parent of the events they will never experience with their child. The authors approached their need for answers as a research project.  They obtained participants and decided on questions they wanted to examine.  They then conducted structured interviews with the participants and the result is this book.  Although they took a scientific approach to the subject the book is a sensitive, narrative of personal stories of loss and common themes experienced by bereaved parents.

Grieving on Mars--Do Men Experience Grief Differently?

When Men Grieve: Why Men Grieve Differently and How You CanHelp by Elizabeth Levang, Ph.D.  Dr. Levang, a psychologist and consultant on grief and bereavement, explained the unique way men grieve and in addition she included men’s personal accounts of their experiences with grief.  Dr. Levang discussed the different languages of grief that men and women have.  While women will talk about their feelings men are more likely to try to think their way through the grief.  Dr. Levang stated that the differences in coping style can cause a division between the two genders.  She explained that at a time when we are most in need of compassion and understanding these differences can isolate husband and wife and make communication even more difficult.

It is so important for grievers to understand how individual grief is.  How we process the grief can be affected by our gender, culture, social status, and family background.  Understanding and allowing others to grieve in their own way, time, and space is paramount to allowing ourselves the freedom to grieve as we need.  This book can help the man who is grieving to be able to honor his way of grieving and for the women in his life to understand him better.

Road Map for the Grieving Parent

The Bereaved Parent by Harriet Sarnoff Schiff.   Schiff was formerly a reporter, she has written two books on grief and has lectured extensively. She is also a bereaved parent. Her son, Robby, ten, died from complications after heart surgery. Her book is considered a classic guide for bereaved parents and has been recommended for years. In matter-of-fact terms, Schiff discusses the hard stuff and offers help for those who are suffering. She includes stories about her own journey and those of other bereaved parents. Her book is divided into easy to digest chapters discussing subjects such as bereavement and guilt; bereavement and marriage; bereavement and siblings; bereavement and religion; and the far-reaching bereavement and the rest of your life.

Schiff talks about taking small, positive steps even during the beginning stages of grief. Schiff gives examples for these small steps such as cleaning, cooking, or putting on make-up. She cautions that the steps will naturally cause pain, and the individual may not feel like attempting anything else for a period afterwards, but that done in small doses it does move the person forward in a positive manner.

Schiff's book ends with hope for the bereaved parent that there is a way through the sorrow. She notes that the bereaved parent no longer fears the unknown because they have faced the worst and survived. I can relate to her statement that the thought of living for any length of time after the death of my son was an awful thought. However, just like Schiff, as the years have gone my life has moved forward and I have managed to move through the seemingly unendurable pain of the beginning stages of grief to a time when there can be laughter and expectations of future events again.