The Tsunami of Grief

I just finished reading an amazing book called “Wave” written by Sonali Deraniyagala. It is the story of her escape from the Tsunami in Sri Lanka in 2004, which also resulted in the death of both of her parents, her husband, and her two young sons.  It is also the story of her struggle with incredible grief– she talks about the good, the bad, and the ugly sides of her journey. Ultimately it is her telling of the seven year journey through her grief and how her life has changed in every aspect of her existence.

I found the book extremely raw and truthful in explaining the aftermath left for the grieving person to face in a world suddenly changed.  I also liked that Deraniyagala did not shy away from telling the negative and flawed ways she tried to deal with her grief in the early years.  I thought her story was compelling and I related to her feelings about no longer being a mother and how devastating and empty that can seem.

In her book Deraniyagala describes a time when she is on a plane with a woman who begins to ask her questions about her parents, is she married, does she have children?  Deraniyagala is not only annoyed by the stranger’s questions but also knows how devastating it would be to that person if she were to tell her the truth.  I understand that feeling. 

One time, a couple years after my son’s accident, I was visiting a quaint little store in my home town and the owner struck up a conversation with me because I was the only one in the store.  She asked if I had any children, and I hesitated, weighing whether or not to answer truthfully.  I don’t like the feeling of denying my truth so I explained to her that I had a son who had died in a plane crash.  She asked more questions about him and the crash and I answered her.  She began crying and now I was left with the task of comforting her and helping her to feel better.  As Deraniyagala writes, “I keep it under wraps because I don’t want to shock or make anyone distressed.”  It seems that it is a constant juggling act to decide when and to whom to tell my story even after all this time.

I also appreciated how Deraniyagala explained her life seven years after her loss.  She noted that she no longer felt the shock but she felt fully the absence of her family and her life as it would be now with them in it.  Deraniyagala stated that she realized that she was only able to be herself and live her life if she held her sons and husband close to her.  When she tried to distance herself from them and the loss then that was when she felt unsteady.  I have found that true in my journey also.  In the beginning years the shock would not allow me to feel my son’s loss completely but now I am able to embrace my son and his memory. 

It also was refreshing that her book did not end with her “new” life tied up neatly in a bow.  Although she is successful in her work and appears to have a good support system of friends and family she does not allude to having built a new family or home to take the place of the one she lost.  She leaves the reader with the understanding that she continues to feel the loss while she continues to move through her life.  I liked that.  It felt real and doesn’t give other grievers false hope or the worry of comparison of their lives as being “less than” and the worry that “I’m not grieving correctly or I would be…”  We all travel our own path; none is better or “more right.”  Deraniyagala seems to get that.

Two fathers started an initiative, the Farley-Kluger Initiative, in 2010 determined to amend the current Department of Labor FamilyMedical Leave Act (FMLA) to include bereavement leave for parents when their child, up to age 26, dies. 

At the present time the FMLA is a federal law that requires companies with 50 or more employees to afford their employees 12 weeks a year of unpaid time off for their serious health condition or that of their children up to age 18, spouse, and parents.  It also covers the employee after birth of a child or adoption placement. There is also a section related to military leave.  

The two men who began this initiative are both authors of books about their own grief journey after the loss of their children.  Barry Kluger’s only child, his 18-year-old daughter, Erica was killed in a car accident in 2001.  Kelly Farley’s daughter, Katie, and son, Noah, both died in infancy within 18 months of each other.  Kluger’s the author of A Life Undone: AFather’s Journey Through Loss.  Farley’s book is called Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back.

After both Farley and Kluger’s lobbying attempts in Washington D.C. there has been legislature introduced in the Senate and the House to make this amendment happen. Currently there is a bill before the Senate.  However Farley stated that he was informed that only about 10% of the bills introduced are ever approved.  The two men have started a petition campaign online in order to get the word back to the legislature that people want this change.

I have mixed feelings about this amendment.  As a parent who was in this position almost 7 years ago my first reaction is that this is a wonderful change and is something that every parent needs.  The early stages of grief after the death of a child are so chaotic and life-altering that an individual’s focus is all-encompassed on dealing with the symptoms of the grief.  As I discussed in my previous post about grief in the workplace there are problems with concentration and memory that affect the worker’s performance and the probability of triggers that cause crying is always there.  This 12-week leave would give the grieving parent time to get past the most critical and intense grief period. 

However I am concerned about the employee whose spouse or parent dies.  These employees may have already been on an FMLA leave caring for the ill spouse or parent and once the death occurs the employee is no longer eligible for FLMA, has only the company’s bereavement time available (usually 1-3 days) and then must return to work.  This can be an awful predicament for an employee who is exhausted from being the caregiver for their loved one for weeks, has been experiencing anticipatory grief (I will discuss this in detail in a future blog) and is now in the full throes of early grief symptoms. 

Then there is the employee whose spouse dies unexpectedly leaving them with young children who are themselves grieving or the employee whose spouse had handled all of the household business and now the employee has to take over all of these responsibilities.  Both of these scenarios require concentrated time for the employee to be able to bring his or her life to a new normal and FMLA bereavement leave would be appropriated in these cases too.  Just as no one grieves the same, no loss is the same.  There is a general consensus that the death of a child is one of the most devastating losses and having experienced it personally I would have to agree.  However I also appreciate the fact that the initial grief after the death of a spouse or beloved parent can be a devastating blow. 

So, should this amendment be only for parental bereavement leave or be opened up to include the same criteria that the original FMLA covers and include spouses and parents?  In my opinion it should include these loved ones.  Most employees can not afford to take time off without pay therefore I do not believe that this will be an overused leave option which is the fear of opening it up to more reasons.

I would be interested to hear other people's opinions of this change in the FMLA.  What do you think? 

Grieving Spouse--Raging at the Universe

A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. Most people recognize C.S. Lewis as the author of the Narnia series of children's fantasy books or for his non-fiction Christian faith books.  However this small treasure of a book documents the torment that he suffered after the death of his beloved wife.  This book was written half a century ago but the raw feelings of grief are as timely today as they were when C.S. Lewis wrote the book.

This book is a compilation of long-hand written notebooks that C.S. Lewis wrote after his wife's death from a long battle with cancer.  In his many writings he questions his faith, how God can be a good deity and allow this kind of pain, and screams out to the universe in agony.  In the end Lewis comes to terms with his grief and his faith and found that " bereavement is a universal and integral part of our experience of love."

I highly recommend this book no matter what your loss.  To read how eloquently and at the same time at a primal level that Lewis is able to express his anger and sorrow is an important lesson for any griever.  It's okay to have these feelings, there's nothing wrong with you, and Lewis is testament to the fact that someone can question everything and survive.