The Joy of Reading and Healing

I just finished reading a wonderful book by Will Schwalbe, titled “The End of Your Life Book Club.”  It is an amazing tribute to the love between a mother and son and their shared loved for books and reading.  It is a non-fictional account of the time Will and his mom spent together discussing books while waiting for her treatments for pancreatic cancer. 

Will’s parents had instilled an enormous love for reading in all their children but Will was able to use this activity to lead into conversations with his mom about her views, beliefs, and understanding of the world.  His mother was an amazing woman who had a passion for helping refugees in Afghanistan and around the world.

As I read the book I was touched by the relationship that Will and his mother had during this difficult time.  The books they read were secondary to their strength and courage facing this terminal illness.  However as I read the book I was quick to mark my choices of books for me to read—Will listed the titles of the books they read in the back of his book. 

Books offer so many different things to so many people.  I have always believed in the power of books and I believe that they can have a healing effect on people.  I read so many books on grief after the death of my son and mother.  Sometimes the books were the only thing that got me through the next day or the next hour.

My son, Robert, was an avid reader from the time he learned to read at three years old.  I loved the experience of sharing books from my childhood with him.  One of the books that we shared was “The Story of Ferdinand” written by Munro Leaf; illustrated by Robert Lawson.  I was happily surprised to see that this book had been a favorite of Will growing up.  As I think about the story of Ferdinand who would rather smell the flowers than fight in the ring it makes me smile.  It’s a great example of being in the moment—mindful of nothing but the big open field and the act of smelling one small flower.

I’d like to think that if Robert were still alive he and I would be sharing books. When I’m reading I imagine how he would react to a certain story line or character in the book I’m reading.  I know that he and I would have had lots of good conversations about “The End of Your Life Book Club.”

 

Easy Self Care While Grieving

When people are grieving it is easy to forget to take care of themselves.  In fact that is probably the last thing on their minds.  Often there is an aspect of survivor guilt that may cause them to be even harder on themselves and believe they don’t deserve to be well and healthy.  Unfortunately without a healthy body, the mind can not function effectively in order to do the work required for your grief journey.  This is the point when people may turn to unhealthy habits and addictions to numb the mind in order to stop the pain of grief.  As I discussed in my previous post, doing this just delays the inevitable because the grief is still there when the behavior stops.  As promised, here are some easy, healthy choices to take care of yourself.

BREATHE. Simple, right?—you are doing it right now.  Not necessarily so simple.  When stressed, people tend to breathe shallowly or hold their breath.  This causes less oxygen to get to the brain and through the body and can make you feel tired and generally un-well.  One early symptom seen in many grieving people is deep sighing, this is also a symptom seen in individuals with stress and depression.  Sighing is caused from dysfunctional breathing.

Learning simple breathing techniques that oxygenate the brain and body help to alleviate stress and make the brain work more efficiently. The easiest breathing exercise is done while sitting comfortably in a chair or on the floor, begin by purposely taking 10 deep breaths while inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth.  Make sure that you don’t do them too fast because you can become light-headed.  There are many other breathing exercises, including belly breathing that I explained in a previous post, Grief and Mindfulness-Part Two.  This easy example is to return your awareness to your breath and increase your oxygen intake.  You can stop anywhere you are and practice this breathing technique.  It can calm you and center you when you are feeling especially stressed or experiencing a wave of grief symptoms.

TAKE A WALK.  I know, another one that sounds so simple, however when grieving the body and mind are weary and it takes resolve to make the decision to move.  Once you do get moving, a brisk walk increases the dopamine and serotonin in the brain which are natural neurotransmitters that create a sense of well-being and relieve sadness.  In addition the stress of grief can increase the body’s production of cortisol that produces the unhealthy fat that accumulates around the middle section of the body and walking can help to combat that.  If you are able to walk in the park and enjoy the sights and sounds of nature it will be even more relaxing and can keep you in the present moment and out of your thoughts for a little while.  Just a brief 20 minute walk can improve your mood and get some physical exercise into your day.

DRINK WATER.  Yeah, another simple one.  Many people forget this basic need to re-hydrate.  The body reacts in negative ways when there is a fluid imbalance.  Without the proper amount of hydration the body can become overheated, have low energy levels, and be subject to muscle cramps. Get out that pitcher in the back of the cupboard, fill it full of water, ice, and lemon if you like, and make it a point of filling up a glass to have by your side all the time.  You will be surprised how much more you will drink when it is right there.

None of these examples are rocket-science.  They are simple, self-care but they are extremely important to your well-being.  Grief is hard work so you have to keep your body and mind in shape in order to do the work.

Remember—breath, walk, water—and be kind to yourself.

Grief and Mindfulness-Part Two

As I discussed in Part One of Grief and Mindfulness, there are lessons that can be taken from the Buddhist’s mindfulness meditation practices that can help a grieving person.  Sameet Kuhmar,Ph.D., author of Grieving Mindfully reminds the reader that mindfulness is a practice.  It is not learned all at once and each session is different because you are different at each session.  For the purposes of this post I am going to explain three very simple techniques that can be used at any time during the grief journey and even after during distressing times.

First, is the use of diaphragmatic breathing, sometimes called belly breathing.  There are lots of different ways you can sit for this technique but it is important that you feel grounded.  Another words your feet should touch the floor or ground and your hands should be in your lap, on your legs, or on your belly.  This breathing technique requires you to breathe in while expanding your stomach instead of your chest.  This may take a bit of practice to begin with since it’s not the usual way of breathing.  On the inhale expand your belly while counting  to 5 or 7.  You will find what is a comfortable count for you.  Then on the exhale bring the belly in towards your spine while counting to 5 or 7.  Then repeat.  Try to concentrate on your breath, your counting, and the feelings in the various parts of your body.  If you lose concentration and your mind wanders, just notice and acknowledge that and start again.  In grief and anxiety we tend to not take deep breaths.  Early in grief many people sigh often, probably because they are not breathing deeply or properly.  This exercise will help to calm the breathing and focus the mind.

The second technique is a muscle tension and relaxation technique.  The tension in the body when you are grieving or anxious can cause you to feel sore and experience muscle pain.  This exercise should help to relieve some of that.  This exercise can be done any time of the day but it is especially useful to relax prior to going to sleep.  For this technique you need to lie down on your back with your hands by your side and legs extended.  Starting at your toes and feet you will tense up the muscles and then relax moving up the body until you  reach the top of your head.  So, to begin you tense and curl your toes, hold for a count of 3-5 and then release, pause and then tense your entire foot for a count of 3-5 and then release, etc.  Remember to keep your breathing natural and constant throughout.  Don’t hold your breath when you tense up.  The end result should make you feel less tension throughout your body.  As you are doing this you may also recognize certain parts of your body where the tension is more centered.  This is an important part of the mindfulness process in order to become aware of your body and how you are feeling.

The third technique may seem very simple, but if practiced correctly it can be very meditative.  This is called walking meditation.  The best way to practice walking meditation is to find a path in nature where you can walk and concentrate on your pace and on the beauty and serenity around you.  You begin walking and try to concentrate on your steps, on the sound your feet make on the ground.  Try to keep your mind centered on the task of walking and listening.  If your mind wanders to other thoughts it’s ok, just acknowledge it and let it go and begin again to concentrate on your steps.  While you are walking you can listen for the sounds of nature, the wind through the trees or the birds singing.  The purpose of this exercise is to calm your mind and body and to practice staying in the moment and allowing yourself time to soothe.  This is a time to let go of the sorrow of the past and the worry of the future and to be in the now.

I hope these techniques can help you as much as they have helped me.  I used these in the early, tumultuous days of my grief and I still use them often.  If you want to read more about mindfulness I recommend that you look at the books written by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D., one of the pioneers of mindfulness in the U.S.  If you would like to read more about mindfulness and grieving the book by Kumar is a good resource.

Grief and Mindfulness--Part One

I was able to use mindfulness techniques in order to help me through with my grief.   I am so grateful that I was exposed to these easy to use techniques early in my grief journey.  What I learned about mindfulness meditation helped in those early months and continues to be something I use during times of stress and difficulty.  In this first part I will introduce you to one of the pioneers of mindfulness and medicine in the United States and then I will begin to explain why mindfulness can help the grieving person.  In the second part, I will explain some of the techniques that can easily be employed and used wherever you are.  I have added links to the author’s books for those who want to learn more about the subject.

Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D. is the founder of the Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society Center at the University of Massachusetts School of Medicine.  He has written numerous books on the subject of mindfulness.  One of the books that he wrote with a group of co-authors is called “TheMindful Way Through Depression” and has been highly successful and well received.

Kabat-Zinn is a scientist, with a degree in molecular biology from M.I.T. so he is not someone who is what you would consider a “New Ager” or into pseudoscience.  This guy has a brain and has studied the impact of mindfulness on the brain and the immune system.  He is considered one of the top experts on the subject.

Kabat-Zinn has been practicing mindfulness meditation since the mid-sixties.  In the late 70’s he started the Stress Reduction Clinic.  He reason for beginning this clinic was to bring Buddhist meditation into mainstream medicine sans the Buddhism.  Kabat-Zinn explains mindfulness as an act of self-compassion by paying attention to yourself in the moment.  Kabat-Zinn stated that he considers healing as “coming to terms with things as they are.” 

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One of the few books that I found that combines mindfulness and grieving is “Grieving Mindfully” by Sameet Kumar, Ph.D.  Dr. Kumar is a Buddhist and a psychologist who works a cancer center in Miami, Florida.  Unlike Kabat-Zinn who takes the Buddhism out of mindfulness meditation, Kumar as a Buddhist comes from the Buddhist origin but he also states that as a psychologist he believes that the ideas of mindfulness can be successfully translated into the psychotherapeutic world.

Unlike some grief therapy methods that suggest that the grieving individual try to do everything they can to not think about the pain and sorrow they are feeling and to re-direct their energy, mindfulness asks that the griever tune into the pain of what Kumar calls the “intense pain of love after loss.”  Instead of denying the grief, mindfulness requires you to come to full awareness of the grief in order to really feel and experience the pain in order to soften the pain by living only in the moment.  Mindfulness allows the griever to mourn and experience the grief and learn from it in order to grow and be able to move away from the misery and make meaning of the pain.

Kumar notes that grief can be more difficult when we try to numb ourselves of the feeling and try to rush the grieving journey.  He states that often people around the griever will encourage the individual to move forward, get over it.  Kumar says that gives the griever the message that they are doing something wrong.  Kumar says that when we look at grief as an extension of our love than we can understand that there is nothing wrong with grieving.

Next--Part Two- Easy Mindfulness Techniques for the Grieving Heart