The Joy of Reading and Healing

I just finished reading a wonderful book by Will Schwalbe, titled “The End of Your Life Book Club.”  It is an amazing tribute to the love between a mother and son and their shared loved for books and reading.  It is a non-fictional account of the time Will and his mom spent together discussing books while waiting for her treatments for pancreatic cancer. 

Will’s parents had instilled an enormous love for reading in all their children but Will was able to use this activity to lead into conversations with his mom about her views, beliefs, and understanding of the world.  His mother was an amazing woman who had a passion for helping refugees in Afghanistan and around the world.

As I read the book I was touched by the relationship that Will and his mother had during this difficult time.  The books they read were secondary to their strength and courage facing this terminal illness.  However as I read the book I was quick to mark my choices of books for me to read—Will listed the titles of the books they read in the back of his book. 

Books offer so many different things to so many people.  I have always believed in the power of books and I believe that they can have a healing effect on people.  I read so many books on grief after the death of my son and mother.  Sometimes the books were the only thing that got me through the next day or the next hour.

My son, Robert, was an avid reader from the time he learned to read at three years old.  I loved the experience of sharing books from my childhood with him.  One of the books that we shared was “The Story of Ferdinand” written by Munro Leaf; illustrated by Robert Lawson.  I was happily surprised to see that this book had been a favorite of Will growing up.  As I think about the story of Ferdinand who would rather smell the flowers than fight in the ring it makes me smile.  It’s a great example of being in the moment—mindful of nothing but the big open field and the act of smelling one small flower.

I’d like to think that if Robert were still alive he and I would be sharing books. When I’m reading I imagine how he would react to a certain story line or character in the book I’m reading.  I know that he and I would have had lots of good conversations about “The End of Your Life Book Club.”

 

I Didn't Tell My Son Goodbye and I'm Glad

The last time I spoke to my son was the morning before the plane crash that took his life.  He was in a hurry, as usual, so we talked briefly, we both exchanged “I love yous” and  he told me he would call me later.  He never did. 

Ever since that day I have trouble with any type of goodbye.  I sometimes wonder if that is a result of the loss of my only child or if it was the result of an experience I had early in my grieving journey.


Site of Plane Crash; Bloomington, Indiana

Shortly after my son’s death I went to see a grief counselor and she insisted that I write a letter to my son telling him goodbye.  She felt that this would be helpful. She believed that because of his sudden, violent death I hadn’t been able to say goodbye before he died like parents of ill children.  This was supposed to be an exercise to help me to come to terms with the loss and finality of his death.  It proved to be an awful experience for both the counselor and myself.  I was infuriated that I was told I had to tell him goodbye.  Although I realized he was gone and not coming back I refused to say goodbye, I wasn’t ready and I didn’t know if I would ever be ready—and that’s what I wrote.  This wasn’t well received by the counselor because I didn’t follow the “textbook” response to the exercise.  She and I argued over this issue as I tried to defend my position.  It was exhausting for me at a time when grief was already taking my energy—but I felt strongly about it and would not back down.  He was my son, my only child, and no one would tell me to say goodbye to him.

This experience and several other unfortunate experiences with other experts and first-responders was what convinced me that I wanted to become a counselor and to specialize in grief counseling. No one can tell you how to grieve; no one can take on the work of grieving for you.  You have to find your own path on your personal grief journey.   In writing this post I found online a story about a woman whose only son was killed by a train in 2003.  Maria Malin wrote a book about her journey, called “When You Just Can’t Say Goodbye, Don’t.”  Maybe I should send a copy to that grief counselor.

Grief and Mindfulness-Part Two

As I discussed in Part One of Grief and Mindfulness, there are lessons that can be taken from the Buddhist’s mindfulness meditation practices that can help a grieving person.  Sameet Kuhmar,Ph.D., author of Grieving Mindfully reminds the reader that mindfulness is a practice.  It is not learned all at once and each session is different because you are different at each session.  For the purposes of this post I am going to explain three very simple techniques that can be used at any time during the grief journey and even after during distressing times.

First, is the use of diaphragmatic breathing, sometimes called belly breathing.  There are lots of different ways you can sit for this technique but it is important that you feel grounded.  Another words your feet should touch the floor or ground and your hands should be in your lap, on your legs, or on your belly.  This breathing technique requires you to breathe in while expanding your stomach instead of your chest.  This may take a bit of practice to begin with since it’s not the usual way of breathing.  On the inhale expand your belly while counting  to 5 or 7.  You will find what is a comfortable count for you.  Then on the exhale bring the belly in towards your spine while counting to 5 or 7.  Then repeat.  Try to concentrate on your breath, your counting, and the feelings in the various parts of your body.  If you lose concentration and your mind wanders, just notice and acknowledge that and start again.  In grief and anxiety we tend to not take deep breaths.  Early in grief many people sigh often, probably because they are not breathing deeply or properly.  This exercise will help to calm the breathing and focus the mind.

The second technique is a muscle tension and relaxation technique.  The tension in the body when you are grieving or anxious can cause you to feel sore and experience muscle pain.  This exercise should help to relieve some of that.  This exercise can be done any time of the day but it is especially useful to relax prior to going to sleep.  For this technique you need to lie down on your back with your hands by your side and legs extended.  Starting at your toes and feet you will tense up the muscles and then relax moving up the body until you  reach the top of your head.  So, to begin you tense and curl your toes, hold for a count of 3-5 and then release, pause and then tense your entire foot for a count of 3-5 and then release, etc.  Remember to keep your breathing natural and constant throughout.  Don’t hold your breath when you tense up.  The end result should make you feel less tension throughout your body.  As you are doing this you may also recognize certain parts of your body where the tension is more centered.  This is an important part of the mindfulness process in order to become aware of your body and how you are feeling.

The third technique may seem very simple, but if practiced correctly it can be very meditative.  This is called walking meditation.  The best way to practice walking meditation is to find a path in nature where you can walk and concentrate on your pace and on the beauty and serenity around you.  You begin walking and try to concentrate on your steps, on the sound your feet make on the ground.  Try to keep your mind centered on the task of walking and listening.  If your mind wanders to other thoughts it’s ok, just acknowledge it and let it go and begin again to concentrate on your steps.  While you are walking you can listen for the sounds of nature, the wind through the trees or the birds singing.  The purpose of this exercise is to calm your mind and body and to practice staying in the moment and allowing yourself time to soothe.  This is a time to let go of the sorrow of the past and the worry of the future and to be in the now.

I hope these techniques can help you as much as they have helped me.  I used these in the early, tumultuous days of my grief and I still use them often.  If you want to read more about mindfulness I recommend that you look at the books written by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D., one of the pioneers of mindfulness in the U.S.  If you would like to read more about mindfulness and grieving the book by Kumar is a good resource.

Grief and Mindfulness--Part One

I was able to use mindfulness techniques in order to help me through with my grief.   I am so grateful that I was exposed to these easy to use techniques early in my grief journey.  What I learned about mindfulness meditation helped in those early months and continues to be something I use during times of stress and difficulty.  In this first part I will introduce you to one of the pioneers of mindfulness and medicine in the United States and then I will begin to explain why mindfulness can help the grieving person.  In the second part, I will explain some of the techniques that can easily be employed and used wherever you are.  I have added links to the author’s books for those who want to learn more about the subject.

Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D. is the founder of the Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society Center at the University of Massachusetts School of Medicine.  He has written numerous books on the subject of mindfulness.  One of the books that he wrote with a group of co-authors is called “TheMindful Way Through Depression” and has been highly successful and well received.

Kabat-Zinn is a scientist, with a degree in molecular biology from M.I.T. so he is not someone who is what you would consider a “New Ager” or into pseudoscience.  This guy has a brain and has studied the impact of mindfulness on the brain and the immune system.  He is considered one of the top experts on the subject.

Kabat-Zinn has been practicing mindfulness meditation since the mid-sixties.  In the late 70’s he started the Stress Reduction Clinic.  He reason for beginning this clinic was to bring Buddhist meditation into mainstream medicine sans the Buddhism.  Kabat-Zinn explains mindfulness as an act of self-compassion by paying attention to yourself in the moment.  Kabat-Zinn stated that he considers healing as “coming to terms with things as they are.” 

http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=12571&picture=meditation-by-the-lake&large=1

One of the few books that I found that combines mindfulness and grieving is “Grieving Mindfully” by Sameet Kumar, Ph.D.  Dr. Kumar is a Buddhist and a psychologist who works a cancer center in Miami, Florida.  Unlike Kabat-Zinn who takes the Buddhism out of mindfulness meditation, Kumar as a Buddhist comes from the Buddhist origin but he also states that as a psychologist he believes that the ideas of mindfulness can be successfully translated into the psychotherapeutic world.

Unlike some grief therapy methods that suggest that the grieving individual try to do everything they can to not think about the pain and sorrow they are feeling and to re-direct their energy, mindfulness asks that the griever tune into the pain of what Kumar calls the “intense pain of love after loss.”  Instead of denying the grief, mindfulness requires you to come to full awareness of the grief in order to really feel and experience the pain in order to soften the pain by living only in the moment.  Mindfulness allows the griever to mourn and experience the grief and learn from it in order to grow and be able to move away from the misery and make meaning of the pain.

Kumar notes that grief can be more difficult when we try to numb ourselves of the feeling and try to rush the grieving journey.  He states that often people around the griever will encourage the individual to move forward, get over it.  Kumar says that gives the griever the message that they are doing something wrong.  Kumar says that when we look at grief as an extension of our love than we can understand that there is nothing wrong with grieving.

Next--Part Two- Easy Mindfulness Techniques for the Grieving Heart

Through A Child's Eyes-2 Grief Books for Children

Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After a Loss by PatSchwiebert and Chuck DeKlylen; Illustrated byTayler Bills.  The story follows Grandy, an old, wise woman and how she copes with grief.  In the book Grandy makes a giant pot of tear soup--an analogy to the size of her grief.  The book is beautifully illustrated and that will draw in the younger family members, but the story told is more sophisticated and palatable for adults.  

I have given it to families to share with their children to help them understand death and grieving and the adults have gained much from reading it to their children. In additon, bBecause of its ease of reading it is good for someone in the early stages of grief who is having trouble concentrating and reading anything lengthy.

Saying Good-bye to Grandma, by Jane Resh Thomas.  This book tells the story of seven-year old Susie and her first experience with death, grief, and the traditional mourning process.  It is a good, straight-forward explanation for the child who is asking what's going to happen.  This is a good book to read with your child to encourage questions and start a conversation.  Throughout the book the love of the family is evident and this in itself is comforting.