Stop the Presses--The Misuse of the terms Grief & Bereavement

In last couple of days I have noticed the words grief and bereavement used in headlines of stories on the internet that had nothing to do with death.  I understand that with many major losses such as job loss, dissolution of a relationship, or a traumatic event there are similar feelings related to grief symptoms.  However the use of grief and bereavement in these two instances bothered me. 

The first instance was titled, “Church is in Bereavement over Pope.”  In the author’s defense the title was taken from a quote from Auxiliary Bishop Charles Sicicluna who said, “The church is in bereavement, coming to terms with bidding Benedict XVI farewell and waiting for his successor.”  I understand this historical significance of the Pope deciding to step down but I can’t see the choice of the word “bereavement” to explain how people are feeling about this change.  There is no death, no loss, only a change in the head of the church made by the Pope’s own choice.

The second instance was titled “Grief and Organizational Change” and uses the five stages of grief to discuss changes that happen in business and how to deal effectively with them.   This one was particularly disturbing to me.  I then did a Google search on Grief and Organizational Change and found over 175,000 results including a book published in 2009.  I find it interesting that people writing about business would want to use the bereavement comparison when business is so unsympathetic to employees who are bereaved.

The reason for pointing out these two instances is to say that in our culture where grief and bereavement are so misunderstood and sometimes swept under the carpet the use of these terms for other purposes tends to dilute the definition and does a disservice to the people who are suffering through their own grief journey. 

Grieving My Son...It is a Lifetime Endeavor

Last night I had a personal reminder that the grief wound may heal but the scar is always there.  I am in the process of “downsizing” my possessions in order to make a move to another apartment.  In an attempt to consolidate my boxes of memories of my son I decided that it was time to dispose of his middle-school yearbooks.  I don’t look at them and there isn’t anyone who wants them so I felt it was time to let them go along with many other things I had been storing.  I picked up one of the yearbooks and was putting it into the trash pile when two photographs fell out.  These photos were taken in 2003, about a year before my son died and I had never seen them before.  I can only guess that he put them in the yearbook to get them out of the way but I’ll never know.  The photo’s showed him looking happy and joking around with whoever was taking the pictures.  The one photo was of him standing at the stove of his apartment cooking up something.  Robert loved to cook for his friends and considered himself something of a gourmet.  The other picture was of him and his girlfriend at the time and they both were making goofy faces. 

It was a surprise that after 7 years I found pictures I had never seen before.  It was also a moment where I felt the pangs of grief for the life that was taken from him at age 24 and the future we would have had together.  However I also was able to appreciate the journey I have traveled through my grief. In spite of the sadness I felt I was able to smile at the young man in the picture and the memories of a time when he was so happy and creative and living life to the fullest.  I am so proud to be his mother.  I love you, Robert.

Two fathers started an initiative, the Farley-Kluger Initiative, in 2010 determined to amend the current Department of Labor FamilyMedical Leave Act (FMLA) to include bereavement leave for parents when their child, up to age 26, dies. 

At the present time the FMLA is a federal law that requires companies with 50 or more employees to afford their employees 12 weeks a year of unpaid time off for their serious health condition or that of their children up to age 18, spouse, and parents.  It also covers the employee after birth of a child or adoption placement. There is also a section related to military leave.  

The two men who began this initiative are both authors of books about their own grief journey after the loss of their children.  Barry Kluger’s only child, his 18-year-old daughter, Erica was killed in a car accident in 2001.  Kelly Farley’s daughter, Katie, and son, Noah, both died in infancy within 18 months of each other.  Kluger’s the author of A Life Undone: AFather’s Journey Through Loss.  Farley’s book is called Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back.

After both Farley and Kluger’s lobbying attempts in Washington D.C. there has been legislature introduced in the Senate and the House to make this amendment happen. Currently there is a bill before the Senate.  However Farley stated that he was informed that only about 10% of the bills introduced are ever approved.  The two men have started a petition campaign online in order to get the word back to the legislature that people want this change.

I have mixed feelings about this amendment.  As a parent who was in this position almost 7 years ago my first reaction is that this is a wonderful change and is something that every parent needs.  The early stages of grief after the death of a child are so chaotic and life-altering that an individual’s focus is all-encompassed on dealing with the symptoms of the grief.  As I discussed in my previous post about grief in the workplace there are problems with concentration and memory that affect the worker’s performance and the probability of triggers that cause crying is always there.  This 12-week leave would give the grieving parent time to get past the most critical and intense grief period. 

However I am concerned about the employee whose spouse or parent dies.  These employees may have already been on an FMLA leave caring for the ill spouse or parent and once the death occurs the employee is no longer eligible for FLMA, has only the company’s bereavement time available (usually 1-3 days) and then must return to work.  This can be an awful predicament for an employee who is exhausted from being the caregiver for their loved one for weeks, has been experiencing anticipatory grief (I will discuss this in detail in a future blog) and is now in the full throes of early grief symptoms. 

Then there is the employee whose spouse dies unexpectedly leaving them with young children who are themselves grieving or the employee whose spouse had handled all of the household business and now the employee has to take over all of these responsibilities.  Both of these scenarios require concentrated time for the employee to be able to bring his or her life to a new normal and FMLA bereavement leave would be appropriated in these cases too.  Just as no one grieves the same, no loss is the same.  There is a general consensus that the death of a child is one of the most devastating losses and having experienced it personally I would have to agree.  However I also appreciate the fact that the initial grief after the death of a spouse or beloved parent can be a devastating blow. 

So, should this amendment be only for parental bereavement leave or be opened up to include the same criteria that the original FMLA covers and include spouses and parents?  In my opinion it should include these loved ones.  Most employees can not afford to take time off without pay therefore I do not believe that this will be an overused leave option which is the fear of opening it up to more reasons.

I would be interested to hear other people's opinions of this change in the FMLA.  What do you think? 

10 Things You Should Never Say to a Grieving Person

Most people don’t have a clue what to say to a person who is grieving.  They find it awkward and uncomfortable because they are dealing with their own emotions related to death and immortality.  What they say can have a profound effect on the grieving person and can be remembered by that person for years.  The best advice is to just say, “I’m sorry” and leave it at that.  It is better at this time to allow the griever to do the talking and be a good listener.  They will appreciate you so much for that!  A hug can say much more than words and is harder to misinterpret.

Below are ten examples of things that were either said to me or have been said to other grieving people who have shared them with me.  The comments below the examples are there just to get you thinking and start a conversation.  Some of the comments may seem trite, or tongue-in-cheek, or a little rude, but sometimes that is how a grieving person may feel at the moment.  I hope this helps you think before you speak the next time you are in front of a grieving person.  If you are the grieving person who is confronted by one of these statements perhaps you will reflect on the fact that the person is reacting and not thinking and this might help to soften the blow a bit.

I’d love to have you join in the discussion and send me other examples that you have experienced first-hand.

1. I know just how you feel.

No you don’t.  We are different people.  Everyone grieves differently and every relationship with the deceased loved one is unique.  You can’t know how I feel, but you can ask me how I feel.

2. You are so strong.  I could never live without my ___________. (insert--child, spouse, partner, mother, father, etc.).

No I’m not strong.  In fact I have never felt more weak or confused.  I don’t know what else to do but move through this nightmare.  I didn’t have a choice.  Telling me I’m strong makes me feel more confused.

3. God only takes the best.  He must have really needed him/her.

I really needed him/her more.  I wish he/she wasn’t the best and was still here with me.

4.  It’s been… 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years.  It’s time for you to get over it and move on.

There’s a timeline?  No one told me there’s a timeline.  I don’t feel ready, so I’m not ready. 

5.  Don’t cry. He/She wouldn’t want you to be sad.

Really?  I don’t think we ever had that conversation about how to act after one of us died.  I think not crying would be worse.  I have to be able to express my feelings and I think he/she would be proud of me for doing that.

6.  It’s time to give away his/her stuff.  You can’t keep it forever.

Again with a timeline?  Why can’t I keep it forever?  As long as I am making strides forward in my life there’s nothing wrong with keeping my memories of this person who was so important in my life.

7.  You ought to…move out of your house, go on vacation, start dating, get out more.

If my loved one hadn’t died would you be giving me this same advice?  Why do you think it’s ok now?  I can’t make these kinds of decisions right now.  Give me room to breathe.

8.  You should get a goldfish, kitten, puppy.  You should have another child.

I am having trouble taking care of myself right now.  I can’t remember to water the plants and you want me to take on another responsibility?  Oh, and by the way, another child isn’t a replacement.  It’s not like buying a new car.

9.  Can I have his/her car, clothes, sports equipment, books, music collection…?

Um, no. 

10.  Everything happens for a reason.

There was no reason for this.  I can’t believe this.  My loss may eventually have meaning in my life but it didn’t happen for a reason.  Death happens, just like life happens.

Walking the Grief Maze

Grief is probably one of the oddest and unsettling experiences that the average person goes through in their lifetime.  There is nothing logical about the symptoms or the length of time each person requires to adequately grieve the loss.  The griever worries that something is wrong with them. The people around the griever encourage this attitude by benchmarking grief and measuring the experience.  Too often a grieving individual is told that it’s time to get over it.  When the greiver internalizes this and isn’t able to meet the mark he or she may feel ashamed and guilty.  These feelings on top of the grief are a lot for anyone to handle. You can not try to think your way out of the grief, or place blame on yourself for not progressing. 

The term grief journey is used often and for a good reason.  It’s not a single episode or a few days of public mourning.  This is a journey on a path that hasn’t been traveled before.

I think grief is more like traveling through a maze.  You begin to walk the maze and come to a block, you may have to turn around and go back over your steps and start again, you walk around and around the maze confused and anxious.  Sometimes you think there is no way out of the maze.  Occassionally you meet a fellow wanderer and the two of you can work together because you are experiencing a similar maze.  However in the end the maze is yours to explore and walk through until eventually you find your way out.  You never forget the maze and the changes walking it has made in your being, but you move on putting one foot in front of the other.

When Grief and Work Collide

In the United States the average bereavement leave is from 1 to 4 days.  What happens when the grieving employee returns to work?  People who are grieving often want to get back to their normal routine and going back to work offers them that chance.  However while grieving the individual may be having trouble sleeping, have changes in eating habits, have decreased energy levels, and be subject to crying spells.  Add these issues to the stress of a work day and this can be a recipe for an emotional roller coaster for the employee and confusing for co-workers.

When my son was unexpectedly killed in a plane crash nearly 7 years ago I was fortunate enough to have an extremely understanding boss who allowed me to take extra time beyond the 3 bereavement days provided. When I returned to work I was surprised by the different reactions I received from my co-workers.  Some of my co-workers would see me, quickly turn around and walk away, unable to face me and their own feelings about death and grief.  Other co-workers regaled me—on my first day back—with their tales of loss and grief, or those of someone else they knew, as a way to bond with me in some strange way.  Then there were the co-workers who saw me and broke down in tears.  The co-workers who helped the most were the ones who just told me they were glad I was back and went on about their day.

As the weeks went on my co-workers went back to their normal routine, but I was still experiencing grief and having difficulty concentrating and trouble with my memory which made working more difficult.  Worse yet were the unexpected triggers during the day that could start tears running down my face.  It could be something as simple as hearing a song in the hall that reminded me of my son or someone on the phone might have the same name or date of birth as my son.  Through it all I thought I was moving ahead, wiping the tears away, and still doing my work to the best of my ability.  I didn’t know that my co-workers were judging me.  Most of them felt like I should be “over it” by now and that there was something more ominous and serious wrong with me.  The biggest lesson that business and workers need to understand is that grief is not a predictable, neat process.  Everyone will experience grief differently and react differently.  Grief and the symptoms of grief do not stop after the 3-day bereavement leave from work!

With approximately one in four employees grieving at any one time there needs to be more understanding of the effects in the workplace.  I think that there needs to be education provided by the employer in order for the griever and those working with the griever to know what to expect—or more importantly, what not to expect.  Someone in who is already in an emotionally fragile state should not have to be concerned about how they are perceived at his or her workplace.  I’d like to hear from others about their experiences when grief and work collide.

Grief and Mindfulness-Part Two

As I discussed in Part One of Grief and Mindfulness, there are lessons that can be taken from the Buddhist’s mindfulness meditation practices that can help a grieving person.  Sameet Kuhmar,Ph.D., author of Grieving Mindfully reminds the reader that mindfulness is a practice.  It is not learned all at once and each session is different because you are different at each session.  For the purposes of this post I am going to explain three very simple techniques that can be used at any time during the grief journey and even after during distressing times.

First, is the use of diaphragmatic breathing, sometimes called belly breathing.  There are lots of different ways you can sit for this technique but it is important that you feel grounded.  Another words your feet should touch the floor or ground and your hands should be in your lap, on your legs, or on your belly.  This breathing technique requires you to breathe in while expanding your stomach instead of your chest.  This may take a bit of practice to begin with since it’s not the usual way of breathing.  On the inhale expand your belly while counting  to 5 or 7.  You will find what is a comfortable count for you.  Then on the exhale bring the belly in towards your spine while counting to 5 or 7.  Then repeat.  Try to concentrate on your breath, your counting, and the feelings in the various parts of your body.  If you lose concentration and your mind wanders, just notice and acknowledge that and start again.  In grief and anxiety we tend to not take deep breaths.  Early in grief many people sigh often, probably because they are not breathing deeply or properly.  This exercise will help to calm the breathing and focus the mind.

The second technique is a muscle tension and relaxation technique.  The tension in the body when you are grieving or anxious can cause you to feel sore and experience muscle pain.  This exercise should help to relieve some of that.  This exercise can be done any time of the day but it is especially useful to relax prior to going to sleep.  For this technique you need to lie down on your back with your hands by your side and legs extended.  Starting at your toes and feet you will tense up the muscles and then relax moving up the body until you  reach the top of your head.  So, to begin you tense and curl your toes, hold for a count of 3-5 and then release, pause and then tense your entire foot for a count of 3-5 and then release, etc.  Remember to keep your breathing natural and constant throughout.  Don’t hold your breath when you tense up.  The end result should make you feel less tension throughout your body.  As you are doing this you may also recognize certain parts of your body where the tension is more centered.  This is an important part of the mindfulness process in order to become aware of your body and how you are feeling.

The third technique may seem very simple, but if practiced correctly it can be very meditative.  This is called walking meditation.  The best way to practice walking meditation is to find a path in nature where you can walk and concentrate on your pace and on the beauty and serenity around you.  You begin walking and try to concentrate on your steps, on the sound your feet make on the ground.  Try to keep your mind centered on the task of walking and listening.  If your mind wanders to other thoughts it’s ok, just acknowledge it and let it go and begin again to concentrate on your steps.  While you are walking you can listen for the sounds of nature, the wind through the trees or the birds singing.  The purpose of this exercise is to calm your mind and body and to practice staying in the moment and allowing yourself time to soothe.  This is a time to let go of the sorrow of the past and the worry of the future and to be in the now.

I hope these techniques can help you as much as they have helped me.  I used these in the early, tumultuous days of my grief and I still use them often.  If you want to read more about mindfulness I recommend that you look at the books written by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D., one of the pioneers of mindfulness in the U.S.  If you would like to read more about mindfulness and grieving the book by Kumar is a good resource.